Digital Love

Has technology enhanced or complicated our love and dating relationships?

Now this is a topic I have been wanting to discuss for some time. When you hear the phrase, what do you automatically think? E-harmony? Match.com? Facebook? Myspace? Online dating...Internet dating…the virtual hook-up…well whatever you think of, it’s all the same. Do you really think that people are “networking” on myspace and facebook? (Some are…either that or being nosy, trying to see what past lovers are up to and if he or she is married/in a relationship what have you) That’s just something you say when you don’t want to seem desperate for a date…”networking” yeah I’m making some assumptions here…lol Anyway, how is the digital environment affecting the dating scene? I will tell you my thoughts, and then let me know what you think.

I think online dating/mating is and can be fun. Yes, I’ve tried it! Lol “networking”. If you’ve never met the person before, it can be a lil scary, especially upon the first meeting. You don’t know what to expect, and you pray that the person is really who they say they are or the same person as the picture on their profile. Beware of people who try to “holla” who don’t post a pic at all. I don’t think anyone is that silly, but you never know. If you are meeting someone you met online for the first time in person, please bring a friend…and try not to just make it a “hook-up” unless that’s just what you are on (protect yourself).

Some of the benefits of the digital love world include e-mail, texting, instant messaging, and video/camera phones and web cams (I don’t have one of those), these amenities aid in keeping in touch especially for long distance relationships. Yes, we’ve come along way from the pen pal method. This works if you met the person out and about or online. The only disadvantage is that sometimes these methods can replace the need for “real” time or even just time on the phone. Believe you me, “there is nothing like the real thing baby” so the lil cute daily texts and e-mails are enough to sustain you while you’re at work or doing whatever it is that you do. When it’s all said and done though, these ways of communicating get you ready for the real time. Do you agree?

In reality, some relationships need not go any further than digital. Sometimes it’s just flirting…but when signals get crossed it can become hazardous…I mean you could really be feeling a person, but do you really know them if you’ve never really spent time with them or even talked to them on the phone? The digital world does help us with our busy schedules. Sometimes it’s just easier to drop a quick e-mail than actually spend time on the phone. This type of communication has turned me into a non-phone person. When it comes down to it, dating digitally or physically is just like this song my girl always sings “if your heart isn’t in it…” But it’s true…”where your treasure (time, money…emphasis mine) is, there also will your heart be” (Matt 6:21). So what are you making an investment in? Are you really just networking and having fun, or are you really trying to get to know someone? Or just making an online booty call? LOL! Regardless of your dating methods, the intentions of your heart will be revealed.

Love Is Everywhere

Have you checked your love bank account today? Is it full or empty? Do you need more love in your life? Well if you look around you, love is everywhere! Love within or self-love, love from God, love from family, love from friends, love from animals. You see what I mean? Love is everywhere! If you are ever feeling depleted in this area, or maybe suffering from insufficient love funds, just take a look around. If you still don’t see the love or feel the love, how much love are you giving? What you give will be given unto you. I firmly believe in this principle. It may not come to you from the person who you are giving to, but it will come or is already present. You deserve love; especially God’s love. How can you live without love? Remember, love is everywhere and God is love. Love is within you. So give give give love and you will have a full love account and will receive so much love in return! Just look for the love. Sometimes it can become overwhelming, but we are all in this cycle together. The person who you love so dearly that may not be reciprocating in a way familiar to you or in the way that you give should not be deleted from your love cycle (unless it becomes too emotionally unstable). As you give to this person, you may receive many surprises along the way and/or secret admirers; people or persons you would not even notice or choose to love. So the love always comes back to you. I am speaking from experience. How can you not love someone who is loving you? Someone who is so endearing toward you? You may decide that I just don’t love this person the same way he or she loves me. It is clear to set some sort of boundaries so that you are not leading a person on into thinking that the relationship is more than what it is. Hopefully, you and the person can come to some type of terms for what the relationship means for the two of you. Words unspoken can be very hurtful.

So to keep the good karma coming in, try your best to establish love boundaries. Receive the love and reciprocate the best way you know how. Being in love and/or loving is a beautiful thing! Fill up your love account today!

Lovin' Me

I’m feelin’ myself…
Like never before…
This isn’t arrogance
Or false confidence
It’s Love…
Real Love…

I’ve waited my whole life for this moment
A Rebirth
I’m lovin’ everything about me too
Every curve, every blemish
And every kink

So cheers to all the jerks who didn’t want me
And thanks to the fools who let me go
I love me and that’s all that matters
30 is not the new 20,
Baby it’s better!!

Distant Lover

I think I’m gaining an understanding of having my heart stolen, captured, and left in another city or cities. Have you ever felt this way? This feeling of wanting to be with someone who is thousands of miles away…It’s like being sprung…in one sense, being single means just love locally or date locally or enjoy being with the one or ones who are close to you…but love knows no boundaries…when you love someone or we’ll just say extremely like, you want to be with, talk to that person everyday in every way you can…despite boundaries. Do some people shy away from distant relationships because of this feeling? Create a sense of detachment out of fear of not being able to get to the one they want to be with. I haven’t felt this way in a long time…just giving up the locals for someone distant…how does this happen? I think for women it’s easier to give up the locals more so than men, but I may be wrong ;-) “If you can’t have the one you love, love the one you’re with”…sounds like something a man would say…would you truly be happy in doing so? Or maybe that song actually means, you better love who loves you…but ok, I’m seeking something mutual here…lol So the other day, I decided to listen to some Marvin Gaye. “Distant Lover” this song explains it all…I mean it sounds like he had a summer love, and they had to depart from one another. Seasonal lovers…it’s like trying to turn a season into a lifetime. So as we continue to search or not search for love…which in actuality throughout this journey we continuously learn about ourselves and ultimately if we did not possess that self love, find “that” in the search. Inherently, the lesson is to not give your heart away too soon…some type of trust and understanding of communication should be established first…in situations near or far.

So I am learning, but I also see why it takes some people a long time to trust, love, or give away their hearts. I’m not saying not to love or trust, but when you do love so freely, openly, honestly, everyone is not ready to or doesn’t receive it…so you can love by letting them go or developing a sense of detachment…only a detachment that protects yourself but does not hurt others’ feelings. It can be a catch 22. The lesson: love yourself…sounds overrated, but it is true…when you love yourself, it doesn’t matter what someone does or doesn’t do to you or for you. You have already taken care of yourself…

Hmm…in loving someone who is distant or being/acting distant, one may wonder, what is the point of loving or having someone who you can’t be with or see or talk to? Again, I guess the point is more so to learn about yourself. There is something called a “love language”. We don’t all possess the same one. Someone who is acting distant may just have a different love language than you. Okay so that’s a positive. In my mind, I’m thinking…”if he doesn’t call/text…stalk or etc. everyday, something is wrong with him…should I take a hint…he doesn’t love me or let alone like me”…but it’s like when we’re together…everything is perfect and roses or when we do talk…so there is definitely something off in the communication…or maybe I’m just reading too much into what seems to me like a lack of communication. Now if the stalker was someone that I didn’t like, then I’d be annoyed…a catch 22. Kind of a sad situation because I want things to be one way, but in the reality of my mind they are this way…long distance…not committed…hmm…don’t talk/text everyday…detached. Again what’s the point or purpose?

Maybe I’m void in the department of self-love, which is why I seek an outside source of love…hmmm? Ok, just maybe…maybe I need to re-focus, change my focus. Again, just let this person go…allow them to be free and to communicate their love language to me or not…I’ve already communicated mine…even if they don’t care, don’t receive and are not listening. Do I change or alter my love language? Feel bouts of sadness from having withdrawals of him? Find someone else to love? The answer to these questions is NO!! Be yourself, cheer up, and love you!! Change takes time, but we must work on it everyday. Self-improve…read, work out, stay busy, work on career, hang with family and friends, date others (if you’re feeling up to it)…there’s a lot to do while sitting around waiting for the one you love to call…the one who already knows how you feel about him…I am not one to hide my feelings, but I can’t control what someone does with that info. I don’t know his reaction. He says that the feelings are mutual, but I don’t see that in his actions.

Again, I’m learning…more so about me than anything or anyone else…my aim is to be free from all of my anxieties…to get through this process and come out loving myself more…knowing myself best…expecting the best in life and from others…but also with the reality that things happen and that I can’t change someone and that regardless of what I do or say, people are going to be and do themselves anyway with or without my love. Right now, I’m reluctant to start anything new or rekindle anything old. I’m not up for it. I just want to do me…and work on me…I know that I’ve fallen in love with someone…but is it really love…okay so I won’t say in love, but that I do love someone…again though…”if it isn’t love, then say what it is” lol…another song. Seriously, it may feel like love, but it could be infatuation…the opposite would be unconditional love which involves the ability of sacrifice…would I give this person a lung…an arm…a kidney…whoa!! So maybe it’s not love…it’s a good feeling, but not when it’s not reciprocated the way I expect it. So I would like to see where these feelings lead me with this person…maybe it will just be “history” or something to go in the “friend” file…which is okay with me right now ;-) It hurts a little…but who said that growing had to feel good…I know that I will look back on these experiences a changed woman…a “grown” woman…a wise woman…and someone who is at peace about my life for choosing to not harden my heart despite what people do or don’t do.

Tirelessly Dating or Tiredly Dating??

One of my latest Facebook status messages reads “Raechel L. Rivers is tired and done with the "Dating Game"...too many "Players", too many "Losers", not enough "Winners"...or "Real" Champions. But I'm still All that and a Bag of Chips...if they can't see that...they must be blind...Kick Rocks Chumps!!” And then I went on to further post a comment that reads “Thanks Boo...see I'm feeling really unChristianlike...MFs losing their minds...but see when that Oprah $ starts rolling in they're gonna wish they didn't pass up the chance to be Mr. Rivers! LOL...I've been wanting to say that all day...What these N's really thinkin'?...the older I get the more I don't give a you know what...bout to put some brothas on blast!! ;-)”

This brings me to today’s topic…which I’ve been trying to vent about for weeks now…some recent events have projected me to go forth and tell it on this subject. Where to begin? To some, it may seem as though I’m tirelessly dating…not giving up on the scene and all that good stuff…giving all types of brothas a chance…yeah, what happened to have high standards right?? Hmm…I’ll come back to that later. The truth is I’m tiredly dating; well now I am. A wise friend once said in regard to having sex outside of marriage…you will stop once you’re tired. Hmm, so having unsuccessful relationships which involve sex outside of marriage is obviously hazardous to me…my well being…so why would I keep thinking that I could be successful when engaging in them?? Maybe because of society who makes it seem like this is okay…”sex outside of marriage”. I’m so tired of this topic…I’ve been speaking on it for years. Let’s see we have “Sex in the City”…I know couples who have children before even getting married…I’m thinking they made it work…why not me?

The truth is what works for some doesn’t work for all…or maybe I just haven’t found the “one”. Ok, now what does that mean? The One. Okay so now we have Steve Harvey and others telling ladies to wait 90 days…WTF? If I’m a freak and you’re a freak, let’s get it on! (Marvin Gaye) We can get to know each other later right? Wrong? Again, it just depends on the individuals. We would all like to be “good” Christians and wait until marriage for sex and/or to have children, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Due to our impulsivity to give in to the natural instinct of having sex and also unprotected sex…there is nothing natural about condoms especially latex ones. But this day in age you already know the STD speech.

Now this leads me to the story of my recent events…and why I’m done with the “Dating Game”. Well trying to be…

Okay, let me first start off by saying that single people who are dating or looking for and making themselves available for the “one”…should always keep some Boos on deck…lol, no I’m being serious. If you are not in a committed relationship, you should have options. You think I’m right or wrong? Anyway, so I don’t have a main Boo, but I have some Boos on deck…I will not say how many…Here is a good analogy; Love and Basketball…there are about five or six players on the bench…they each have their positions. I wish I could just put them all together to form Mr. Right! Anyway, sometimes these “Players” get traded you know, because they F up…become unprofitable…all that good stuff. Men don’t like to hear about women having a team of men…but do I care? No!! Some of them have teams of women…At this point, I don’t even care about the team because I’m giving up the “Game” turning in my “Player Card”.

I told an old guy friend recently that I live this way because I haven’t met that one dude who says “look Raechel, I want you, we are going to be together and that’s that”…still waiting to get to this point in life…it’s coming soon…I CAUGHT THE BOUQUET at my friend’s wedding over the weekend too!! Woo Hoo!! Anyway, this friend of mine who at one point I considered apart of my team goes on to say that I don’t know my role or something like that because you know I wasn’t trying to hear what he had to say. Trying to tell me about myself. I know that men want to be in control. But am I supposed to just wait around for one guy (possibly the main Boo) who can’t decide if I’m his Ms. Right…no commitment to the relationship. If we are not even girlfriend and boyfriend, how can I look for you to give me a ring…KICK ROCKS…so back to the other Boos on deck right?!

So something happened to me recently…I am ashamed to say. I was intimate with someone…it wasn’t the first time…but it had been a minute…why the next day after…I’m calling this man…texting him…no response…so I’m thinking WTF? How you gonna act like we didn’t just sleep together? Like it was nothing? So when I saw him out…he was cool…said that he had been busy all day…mmmhmmh…so I let that go because you know there are other Boos on deck, but I have a very BIG EGO and those who know me know this…So the next day…I called and texted again…no response until later and after I started to seem like a worried and concerned stalker…(all the reassurance I need is for my Ego, she gets me in trouble). Why this brother now has an attitude with me? The hostility was beaming through the text messages and through the phone conversation!! Those of you who know me know I’m terrible with confrontation (face-to-face and on the phone), but I will text and e-mail you to death until I feel like I’ve won! He doesn’t know who he’s messing with right?!!

I was just really trying to keep some type of contact with him…this is what people do when they’re intimate with each other right? So what did I do to him that was so wrong? Ol’ Mr. Busy! You are not that busy to return a phone call…I would have been satisfied with at least a text…so I’m still trying to figure this fella out. I’m just like, why wouldn’t you want to talk to me? So really I’m feeling like what a Jerk!!

There is something new that I’ve created called the “Cookies” vs. the “Cookie Dough”. For all you smart people, what is cookie dough? Raw! Right! Have you ever given someone your cookie dough and regretted that? Just let me know what’s up and what you think about that?

(Left out some details here...)

Now do you understand why I’m retiring? But just like Michael Jordan and JayZ, I’ll be back. I love men too much…but I just need a break because it’s just not being reciprocated right now. I know that no one can love me better than me…I need to start exercising these affirmations…Also love lives inside of me…this is something that must be lived, eaten, and breathed so that the love I have for me can attract the One. I’m not gonna lie I like having Boos on deck, but it’s just not that serious sometimes…everybody seems to be searching, but no one seems to be finding…hmm, is it that we are so intrinsically dissatisfied with self that we do not recognize him or her when he or she arrives? That’s deep…

I got me a Boo in holding…that I truly adore…we definitely have a connection, but it’s long distance. I also have me a Boo that my mom likes, but I don’t think she understands how crazy he is…I would rather just keep him in the friend category until further notice…

Well folks, I will keep you updated on the Boo Saga…until then…my Boo in holding has been so inspiring…I love the way he makes me feel…brotha got me writing 100 poems a week…just kidding…is it possible to love someone you hardly ever see or talk to? Do we at times put people on pedestals or romanticize a person without knowing them fully? Whatever the purpose of long distance Boo is…it doesn’t matter…I just seek positive connections with “real” people. (especially men…I have many girl friends…I’d be lost without my Chicas) How can a man be real with you when he is not being real with himself?


Good Night! Smoochez!

Here’s something I started but didn’t finish:

“Good Luv”

Good luv will make you relocate
Not good sex, good luv
Have you experienced this?
Good luv will make you high…
It’s good for you, for your soul…

--Destiny ©2009

My Drug...

Can I bottle you up…?
I told you I been high all day…just the thought of you…
I don’t wanna mess this up…if so, lesson learned…
So much I wanna say…so much I wanna be…but we gotta move slowly

Time always reveals truth
So what did you come to do?
Not to just ease my pain, but to heal…
It’s a journey…it’s been a long road…
And this is just the beginning

So let’s go to a different level…
What can I be for you?
What do you need from me?
I’m open…

To have love…one must be love…and love
Without limits…without restrictions…
Unconditionally…
Desperate…No…that’s not me…
Just made to love.

Right now, at this present moment…
I choose you…
I’m jonesin’…as they call it…
I love feelin’ this way…
I must be in love with love…

Let me learn how to love you,
And you do the same for me.
We’re in control…
You know what I’m feelin’, and I can’t fight it
Hooked on you…addicted to your energy within…
My temporary high…my drug…


--Destiny © 2009

When Your Ego Gets Bruised

What to do when your ego gets bruised?

Firstly, what does this mean? A bruised ago? It is the day you wake up and realize…you may not be “all that” or “he’s just not into you”. Funny right? But sort of true…I have had a few bruised ego moments…this is when I’m like…last time I checked in the mirror I was fine…thick, pretty in the face, smart…and so on and so forth…one of my wiser friends just recently assured me…it’s not you…it’s them or “him”. I’m like dang…what does a sister have to do these days to get some recognition and reciprocation for all of the hard work and love I put into these relationships? So what to do when the ego gets bruised:

1) Surround yourself with positive people, ie, girlfriends, guy friends, and family…they will always give you confidence…”saying it’s not you it’s them” or “such and such is stupid”.

2) Check yourself: look in the mirror…make sure you still qualify for being “all that”…if not…start a beauty/health regimen…hit the gym…by a new outfit…change your hair style/color…these things are only temporary but they help.

3) Randomly call, text, or email old lovers/friends of the opposite sex…this is encouraging sometimes…but be careful…do not go down a road that ended poorly…sometimes those ones from 5 to 10 yrs ago make you remember why y’all aren’t together and never will be…it’s like looking at where you came from…sometimes you can hook back up but…it may only be temporary.

4) Randomly call, text, or email someone you are not really interested in…the “new” guy you gave your contact info to…sometimes it helps, but then you may realize why you haven’t given him a chance…but it does stroke the ego.

5) Have sex…lol…okay, really be careful and selective with this one…if you are already emotionally distraught from the bruised ego or guy who kicked you to the curb, this is not always safe…especially if you really like the person who could be from the past #3 or present #4. (I don’t particularly encourage one night stands in this day and age…too dangerous…or if you are over the age of 21, ie out of college) Also, use caution when going back to a lover from 5 to 10 yrs or someone presently…in the heat of the moment people lose their minds…temporary insanity…want to go “raw”…not safe people…we all know this…fear of child out of wedlock should be the least of worries…

6) Get drunk! Again be careful…in your drunkenness…you are susceptible to poor decision-making…ie hooking up with past or present love interests that you really are not interested in…cussing out or calling the person who has bruised your ego…driving by such and such’s house…at this point…you have just become the crazy drunk woman…with no sense…

7) Okay…so this should have been first on the list…but pray…go to church…read your bible…once you figure out that the rest of that stuff you tried to do to make yourself feel better is only temporary…you will realize that the void can only be filled by God…it is my hope that filling the void with God and His Holy Spirit…will help to heal me (you) and prepare me (you) for what is to come…to try and be smarter in relationships…to avoid getting a bruised ego…how do you do this? Stay in faith…stay focused…weed out those being used by the enemy to kill, steal, and destroy…

I just don’t think that relationships and dating should be so difficult. Why do people lie? Why don’t people keep it real? Why does a good woman who will do anything for a man she loves…get drug through the mud and called “weak”? So what do I do to be strong? Show no emotion, and no feelings (like a man) When will he respect me? When I act as if I don’t care about him? The shit is crazy!! The truth is: a man has to choose a woman…now many times…when or if a woman chooses a man, it goes nowhere or only so far…what makes me mad is that when a man does chose a woman…the test begins…it’s like they test us to see how “strong” we are. We have to be a closed book…can’t tell them nothing or only a minimal amount of info regarding the past…it will always be used against us for him to decide…naw she ain’t it…they will use any little thing to disqualify a woman…once you have been cancelled out in his eyes…you might as well give it up…the ultimately sad part is that…if you fine…with a big booty…he will string you along…until you finally give up on him, he meets the “one” he’s been searching for, or you are acting too crazy!!

I’m tired of being “that chick”…drug through the mud…it can’t be all my fault…I can’t be this stupid…now I’m not ever going to switch sides…but I can see how a woman can become bitter…not ever give any man a chance…or just treat men like ATMs or whatever ya know…pay before you lay, that type of thing…or just give up dating or even date interracially…(another topic) because no matter the race some of those similarities still remain…

--Signing off for now

Much Luv,

“Dr. Rae”

* When all else fails, just write a blog about your ego getting bruised and get your online friends involved in the discussion…this is a good band-aid…LOL!!